[Jing Yuan reaches out to catch Yingxing's arm, unwilling to let that interpretation stand -- unwilling to be cut off when they've only just found eachother. The panic is audible in his voice, and in the desperation with which he tries to cling.]
I have no intention of leaving you behind! I just have to see you in other places-- You don't understand what he'll do to me if I fight him on this!
[ jing yuan's hand snags his arm, and yingxing hisses through his teeth, jerking it free. ]
But that's exactly what you're doing. You're relegating me to - what, your side mistress? Sneaking around like we're doing something wrong? Whether or not you want this doesn't matter, because you're still willing to kick me in the teeth for him.
[ but of course he is. even when he was young, jing yuan had always been hopelessly infatuated with dan feng. moreso than he ever could have been with yingxing. ]
I don't know what's going on between you two, but I'm not just going to - [ his voice cracks, and despite himself, his eyes are burning. fuck. only these two could ever reduce him to this. yingxing has barely been holding it together, now this. he blinks rapidly, stubbornly unwilling to shed a single tear. ] - to just sit around content to act like I'm fine with being left alone while you two snuggle up at night.
[ it hasn't escaped him that jing yuan insinuated dan feng's violence, but even still, he's feeling too betrayed to think clearly. ]
[That's the part that sticks. Everything after is a half-heard blur, because that one phrase was enough to snap Jing Yuan's heart in two. It's cruel, whether Yingxing meant it that way or not -- if he looks back he'll see the moment when Jing Yuan's will to control himself crumbles.
Now they're both angry and hurt. Jing Yuan, however, is less capable of holding back tears, so they colour his voice when it raises to a near-shout.]
You-- bullheaded old man! I have done nothing to give you reason to assume I am so cavalier with your feelings!
The only reason I'm "snuggling up at night" is because the last time I tried to leave he hunted me down and hurt Dan Heng to punish me for it! The reason I obey is because when I don't I get battered and bloodied! And whether I want this doesn't matter!?
[ so that's it. the truth of it. yingxing's ears hum with shock and fury both. ]
No, it doesn't matter, because you're still letting him control you. Control everything. You think obeying him is going to fix anything?
[ and jing yuan, regardless of reason, is still choosing dan feng, rather than sticking up for himself, sticking up for yingxing. he's pissed. pissed at both of them. pissed that any of this is happening to begin with. he didn't give up everything for this to happen.
a deep breath. yingxing grits his teeth, rubs his face with both hands. ]
You can't just come to me, tell me all of this, and expect me to just smile and nod, Jing Yuan. Everything about all of this is fucked up, and unacceptable. So, fine. I'll fix it. I'll hammer you both back into shape if I have to. That's what I do.
I didn't ask you to accept it without complaint! I just didn't expect you to blame me for his actions.
[Jing Yuan is pissed too -- but he's far more hurt than angry. Does Yingxing really think Jing Yuan has the power to fight off something as unstoppable as Dan Feng? Should he have that power? Maybe he should. Maybe everything that's been done to him is his own damned fault, just like it was from the day of the sedition.
He wipes his eyes, shrinking under the mental beating he's giving himself, and takes a step back.]
If you think so little of me, don't bother trying to fix me. Go and stew in your ignorance alone.
I'm not blaming you for his actions, but dammit, Jing Yuan - you have to see that this is all twisted.
[ now it's his turn to snag jing yuan by the wrists, to pull him in close again. everything hurts, and yingxing knows better than anyone how monstrous his temper can be when he's feeling wounded, but the sight of jing yuan's tears is sobering. ]
Look, I just -
[ he exhales, breath shuddering, redoubling his grasp. ]
I'm sorry. This is all just.. I'm losing both of you, and I don't know how to -
[ how to process it. how to recover from such a blow without lashing out. ]
[He lets Yingxing catch him, but refuses to look at him. It hurts too much. He's been ground down so much he doesn't know how to weather anything more. He's so damned tired...]
Do you really think I haven't tried to stand up for myself? You think I'd choose to hurt you if I had any other choice? I know it's twisted, I just can't get out.
[Jing Yuan leans away from that pull at first, not quite willing to trust it. He's tense, like he's expecting this moment of reassurance to evaporate at any second.]
You should be afraid of him.
[That bravery honestly just makes Jing Yuan nervous. But... He wants terribly to be comforted and to comfort Yingxing in turn, so he gives in with a soft, low whine and embraces the man. In fact he goes right to putting his face directly against Yingxing's chest.]
Please don't mention me to him. It's me who'll pay that price.
[ when jing yuan gives in and slumps against him, yingxing feels some of the tension in his chest beginning to loosen. maybe he should be afraid, but yingxing is and always has been a noticeably fearless man. dan feng could eviscerate him daily, and yingxing would still fight him. would still not fear him. ]
Yeah. I won't.
[ because, despite his anger, it all comes from a place of love. he'll protect jing yuan in any way he can, even if it means going along with dan feng, for now, however much yingxing wants to rail against it.
but he's still brewing his plans. still going to go through with his idea, even if he has to fight tooth and nail to do it. but for now.. for now, he loops his other arm around jing yuan as well, cradling him near, dipping his head to nuzzle into that soft, fluffy hair, pressing a kiss there. ]
Sorry. I didn't mean to bite your head off. For me, it's been.. centuries since I last had you. I didn't want to lose that.
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[ he shakes his head, turns back toward the dorms. dan feng pulling away from him has been horrendous, but losing jing yuan, too.. ]
Fine, if that's your choice. I'll leave you two to your privacy. I hope you enjoy each other.
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[Jing Yuan reaches out to catch Yingxing's arm, unwilling to let that interpretation stand -- unwilling to be cut off when they've only just found eachother. The panic is audible in his voice, and in the desperation with which he tries to cling.]
I have no intention of leaving you behind! I just have to see you in other places-- You don't understand what he'll do to me if I fight him on this!
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But that's exactly what you're doing. You're relegating me to - what, your side mistress? Sneaking around like we're doing something wrong? Whether or not you want this doesn't matter, because you're still willing to kick me in the teeth for him.
[ but of course he is. even when he was young, jing yuan had always been hopelessly infatuated with dan feng. moreso than he ever could have been with yingxing. ]
I don't know what's going on between you two, but I'm not just going to - [ his voice cracks, and despite himself, his eyes are burning. fuck. only these two could ever reduce him to this. yingxing has barely been holding it together, now this. he blinks rapidly, stubbornly unwilling to shed a single tear. ] - to just sit around content to act like I'm fine with being left alone while you two snuggle up at night.
[ it hasn't escaped him that jing yuan insinuated dan feng's violence, but even still, he's feeling too betrayed to think clearly. ]
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[That's the part that sticks. Everything after is a half-heard blur, because that one phrase was enough to snap Jing Yuan's heart in two. It's cruel, whether Yingxing meant it that way or not -- if he looks back he'll see the moment when Jing Yuan's will to control himself crumbles.
Now they're both angry and hurt. Jing Yuan, however, is less capable of holding back tears, so they colour his voice when it raises to a near-shout.]
You-- bullheaded old man! I have done nothing to give you reason to assume I am so cavalier with your feelings!
The only reason I'm "snuggling up at night" is because the last time I tried to leave he hunted me down and hurt Dan Heng to punish me for it! The reason I obey is because when I don't I get battered and bloodied! And whether I want this doesn't matter!?
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No, it doesn't matter, because you're still letting him control you. Control everything. You think obeying him is going to fix anything?
[ and jing yuan, regardless of reason, is still choosing dan feng, rather than sticking up for himself, sticking up for yingxing. he's pissed. pissed at both of them. pissed that any of this is happening to begin with. he didn't give up everything for this to happen.
a deep breath. yingxing grits his teeth, rubs his face with both hands. ]
You can't just come to me, tell me all of this, and expect me to just smile and nod, Jing Yuan. Everything about all of this is fucked up, and unacceptable. So, fine. I'll fix it. I'll hammer you both back into shape if I have to. That's what I do.
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[Jing Yuan is pissed too -- but he's far more hurt than angry. Does Yingxing really think Jing Yuan has the power to fight off something as unstoppable as Dan Feng? Should he have that power? Maybe he should. Maybe everything that's been done to him is his own damned fault, just like it was from the day of the sedition.
He wipes his eyes, shrinking under the mental beating he's giving himself, and takes a step back.]
If you think so little of me, don't bother trying to fix me. Go and stew in your ignorance alone.
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[ now it's his turn to snag jing yuan by the wrists, to pull him in close again. everything hurts, and yingxing knows better than anyone how monstrous his temper can be when he's feeling wounded, but the sight of jing yuan's tears is sobering. ]
Look, I just -
[ he exhales, breath shuddering, redoubling his grasp. ]
I'm sorry. This is all just.. I'm losing both of you, and I don't know how to -
[ how to process it. how to recover from such a blow without lashing out. ]
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[He lets Yingxing catch him, but refuses to look at him. It hurts too much. He's been ground down so much he doesn't know how to weather anything more. He's so damned tired...]
Do you really think I haven't tried to stand up for myself? You think I'd choose to hurt you if I had any other choice? I know it's twisted, I just can't get out.
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[ yingxing sighs heavily, pressing his brow to jing yuan's and closing his eyes. ]
I'm not afraid of him, and I never will be, no matter what he does to me. No matter what he's become. C'mere. Please.
[ he releases one of jing yuan's wrists, so he can hook that arm around his waist instead, trying to gently pull him closer. ]
Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. I'll figure something out.
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You should be afraid of him.
[That bravery honestly just makes Jing Yuan nervous. But... He wants terribly to be comforted and to comfort Yingxing in turn, so he gives in with a soft, low whine and embraces the man. In fact he goes right to putting his face directly against Yingxing's chest.]
Please don't mention me to him. It's me who'll pay that price.
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Yeah. I won't.
[ because, despite his anger, it all comes from a place of love. he'll protect jing yuan in any way he can, even if it means going along with dan feng, for now, however much yingxing wants to rail against it.
but he's still brewing his plans. still going to go through with his idea, even if he has to fight tooth and nail to do it. but for now.. for now, he loops his other arm around jing yuan as well, cradling him near, dipping his head to nuzzle into that soft, fluffy hair, pressing a kiss there. ]
Sorry. I didn't mean to bite your head off. For me, it's been.. centuries since I last had you. I didn't want to lose that.
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[He mutters, emotionally exhausted and muffled by Yingxing's... pillows.]
I've been... completely alone. I don't want to lose this either.
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for the moment, it doesn't entirely matter. what matters is keeping jing yuan close. against his pillows. ]
I'm here. [ he murmurs into his hair. ] And I'm going to figure something out. I swear it. Just stay safe, for now.