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are you awake?
where are you right now?
where are you right now?
[Jing Yuan does not respond to that text. He just heads down to meet Yingxing right away.
When he arrives he's visibly distressed -- his eyes are red from recent crying and he slinks near the wall like an anxious animal. He hates this. He doesn't like being so cowardly as to hurt someone he cares for to protect himself. And yet what else can he do, with mercy dangled in front of him on a string? He can no longer comprehend a situation where Dan Feng doesn't have the final say in everything he does.]
...It's good to see you, Yingxing.
When he arrives he's visibly distressed -- his eyes are red from recent crying and he slinks near the wall like an anxious animal. He hates this. He doesn't like being so cowardly as to hurt someone he cares for to protect himself. And yet what else can he do, with mercy dangled in front of him on a string? He can no longer comprehend a situation where Dan Feng doesn't have the final say in everything he does.]
...It's good to see you, Yingxing.
[ yingxing doesn't take long to arrive, dressed down in comfortable clothing for bed, his hair let down. of course, even in the dimness he can see that jing yuan is visibly upset.
immediately his hands are up, cradling jing yuan's face. ]
.. hey. I'm here. What's wrong?
[ it's not like him to always be so tender, but it's been a long time, and jing yuan is clearly unwell. this is different. ]
immediately his hands are up, cradling jing yuan's face. ]
.. hey. I'm here. What's wrong?
[ it's not like him to always be so tender, but it's been a long time, and jing yuan is clearly unwell. this is different. ]
Dan Feng is what's wrong. Like always.
[He lets Yingxing touch his face for just a moment before he flinches away, guilt and some measure of fear seeping from his posture and his expression.]
[He lets Yingxing touch his face for just a moment before he flinches away, guilt and some measure of fear seeping from his posture and his expression.]
He was... being particularly cruel over the phone today. I talked him down, but--
[But clearly he should be doing a better job. Dan Feng is right, sometimes. He's fearful, a traitor and a coward that wouldn't be tolerated if he didn't lie all the time--]
...He said I'm not to bring you to our home, nor speak of you in his presence. I thought I should tell you, so you know that situation is in your hands now.
[But clearly he should be doing a better job. Dan Feng is right, sometimes. He's fearful, a traitor and a coward that wouldn't be tolerated if he didn't lie all the time--]
...He said I'm not to bring you to our home, nor speak of you in his presence. I thought I should tell you, so you know that situation is in your hands now.
[ a lot of information is being propelled at him right now, and yingxing is silent for several moments as he tries to make sense of it. tries to understand what's happening here, with the limited information available to him.
dan feng is marastruck, he knows. there's something very, very wrong with him. but jing yuan - ]
Your.. home.
[ that stings. yingxing could never have imagined a reality in which the two greatest loves of his life would spurn him, that they would have a place together where he is not welcome. several emotions well up inside of him at once, but when it comes down to it, yingxing has always responded to pain with anger, like a wounded animal lashing out, and so it is anger that he is feeling first and foremost, now. hurt and aggravation both flash across his features. ]
I see. [ he says darkly. ] It doesn't seem like it's in my hands at all, actually. It doesn't seem like anything is in my hands.
dan feng is marastruck, he knows. there's something very, very wrong with him. but jing yuan - ]
Your.. home.
[ that stings. yingxing could never have imagined a reality in which the two greatest loves of his life would spurn him, that they would have a place together where he is not welcome. several emotions well up inside of him at once, but when it comes down to it, yingxing has always responded to pain with anger, like a wounded animal lashing out, and so it is anger that he is feeling first and foremost, now. hurt and aggravation both flash across his features. ]
I see. [ he says darkly. ] It doesn't seem like it's in my hands at all, actually. It doesn't seem like anything is in my hands.
[He knew Yingxing would take it badly. It's expected, but panic still rises in his chest. The guilt makes him nauseous, and it takes all his willpower not to fall apart pre-emptively.]
It's not what you're thinking.
It's not what you're thinking.
He's afraid of your mara clashing. Even if he was angry at you, or if he didn't care for you, I don't agree. But I don't have the power to tell him no.
Right. But you're both still leaving me behind. That's the reality of it.
[ he shakes his head, turns back toward the dorms. dan feng pulling away from him has been horrendous, but losing jing yuan, too.. ]
Fine, if that's your choice. I'll leave you two to your privacy. I hope you enjoy each other.
[ he shakes his head, turns back toward the dorms. dan feng pulling away from him has been horrendous, but losing jing yuan, too.. ]
Fine, if that's your choice. I'll leave you two to your privacy. I hope you enjoy each other.
I'm not-- Yingxing!
[Jing Yuan reaches out to catch Yingxing's arm, unwilling to let that interpretation stand -- unwilling to be cut off when they've only just found eachother. The panic is audible in his voice, and in the desperation with which he tries to cling.]
I have no intention of leaving you behind! I just have to see you in other places-- You don't understand what he'll do to me if I fight him on this!
[Jing Yuan reaches out to catch Yingxing's arm, unwilling to let that interpretation stand -- unwilling to be cut off when they've only just found eachother. The panic is audible in his voice, and in the desperation with which he tries to cling.]
I have no intention of leaving you behind! I just have to see you in other places-- You don't understand what he'll do to me if I fight him on this!
[ jing yuan's hand snags his arm, and yingxing hisses through his teeth, jerking it free. ]
But that's exactly what you're doing. You're relegating me to - what, your side mistress? Sneaking around like we're doing something wrong? Whether or not you want this doesn't matter, because you're still willing to kick me in the teeth for him.
[ but of course he is. even when he was young, jing yuan had always been hopelessly infatuated with dan feng. moreso than he ever could have been with yingxing. ]
I don't know what's going on between you two, but I'm not just going to - [ his voice cracks, and despite himself, his eyes are burning. fuck. only these two could ever reduce him to this. yingxing has barely been holding it together, now this. he blinks rapidly, stubbornly unwilling to shed a single tear. ] - to just sit around content to act like I'm fine with being left alone while you two snuggle up at night.
[ it hasn't escaped him that jing yuan insinuated dan feng's violence, but even still, he's feeling too betrayed to think clearly. ]
But that's exactly what you're doing. You're relegating me to - what, your side mistress? Sneaking around like we're doing something wrong? Whether or not you want this doesn't matter, because you're still willing to kick me in the teeth for him.
[ but of course he is. even when he was young, jing yuan had always been hopelessly infatuated with dan feng. moreso than he ever could have been with yingxing. ]
I don't know what's going on between you two, but I'm not just going to - [ his voice cracks, and despite himself, his eyes are burning. fuck. only these two could ever reduce him to this. yingxing has barely been holding it together, now this. he blinks rapidly, stubbornly unwilling to shed a single tear. ] - to just sit around content to act like I'm fine with being left alone while you two snuggle up at night.
[ it hasn't escaped him that jing yuan insinuated dan feng's violence, but even still, he's feeling too betrayed to think clearly. ]
"Doesn't matter"...?
[That's the part that sticks. Everything after is a half-heard blur, because that one phrase was enough to snap Jing Yuan's heart in two. It's cruel, whether Yingxing meant it that way or not -- if he looks back he'll see the moment when Jing Yuan's will to control himself crumbles.
Now they're both angry and hurt. Jing Yuan, however, is less capable of holding back tears, so they colour his voice when it raises to a near-shout.]
You-- bullheaded old man! I have done nothing to give you reason to assume I am so cavalier with your feelings!
The only reason I'm "snuggling up at night" is because the last time I tried to leave he hunted me down and hurt Dan Heng to punish me for it! The reason I obey is because when I don't I get battered and bloodied! And whether I want this doesn't matter!?
[That's the part that sticks. Everything after is a half-heard blur, because that one phrase was enough to snap Jing Yuan's heart in two. It's cruel, whether Yingxing meant it that way or not -- if he looks back he'll see the moment when Jing Yuan's will to control himself crumbles.
Now they're both angry and hurt. Jing Yuan, however, is less capable of holding back tears, so they colour his voice when it raises to a near-shout.]
You-- bullheaded old man! I have done nothing to give you reason to assume I am so cavalier with your feelings!
The only reason I'm "snuggling up at night" is because the last time I tried to leave he hunted me down and hurt Dan Heng to punish me for it! The reason I obey is because when I don't I get battered and bloodied! And whether I want this doesn't matter!?
[ so that's it. the truth of it. yingxing's ears hum with shock and fury both. ]
No, it doesn't matter, because you're still letting him control you. Control everything. You think obeying him is going to fix anything?
[ and jing yuan, regardless of reason, is still choosing dan feng, rather than sticking up for himself, sticking up for yingxing. he's pissed. pissed at both of them. pissed that any of this is happening to begin with. he didn't give up everything for this to happen.
a deep breath. yingxing grits his teeth, rubs his face with both hands. ]
You can't just come to me, tell me all of this, and expect me to just smile and nod, Jing Yuan. Everything about all of this is fucked up, and unacceptable. So, fine. I'll fix it. I'll hammer you both back into shape if I have to. That's what I do.
No, it doesn't matter, because you're still letting him control you. Control everything. You think obeying him is going to fix anything?
[ and jing yuan, regardless of reason, is still choosing dan feng, rather than sticking up for himself, sticking up for yingxing. he's pissed. pissed at both of them. pissed that any of this is happening to begin with. he didn't give up everything for this to happen.
a deep breath. yingxing grits his teeth, rubs his face with both hands. ]
You can't just come to me, tell me all of this, and expect me to just smile and nod, Jing Yuan. Everything about all of this is fucked up, and unacceptable. So, fine. I'll fix it. I'll hammer you both back into shape if I have to. That's what I do.
I didn't ask you to accept it without complaint! I just didn't expect you to blame me for his actions.
[Jing Yuan is pissed too -- but he's far more hurt than angry. Does Yingxing really think Jing Yuan has the power to fight off something as unstoppable as Dan Feng? Should he have that power? Maybe he should. Maybe everything that's been done to him is his own damned fault, just like it was from the day of the sedition.
He wipes his eyes, shrinking under the mental beating he's giving himself, and takes a step back.]
If you think so little of me, don't bother trying to fix me. Go and stew in your ignorance alone.
[Jing Yuan is pissed too -- but he's far more hurt than angry. Does Yingxing really think Jing Yuan has the power to fight off something as unstoppable as Dan Feng? Should he have that power? Maybe he should. Maybe everything that's been done to him is his own damned fault, just like it was from the day of the sedition.
He wipes his eyes, shrinking under the mental beating he's giving himself, and takes a step back.]
If you think so little of me, don't bother trying to fix me. Go and stew in your ignorance alone.
I'm not blaming you for his actions, but dammit, Jing Yuan - you have to see that this is all twisted.
[ now it's his turn to snag jing yuan by the wrists, to pull him in close again. everything hurts, and yingxing knows better than anyone how monstrous his temper can be when he's feeling wounded, but the sight of jing yuan's tears is sobering. ]
Look, I just -
[ he exhales, breath shuddering, redoubling his grasp. ]
I'm sorry. This is all just.. I'm losing both of you, and I don't know how to -
[ how to process it. how to recover from such a blow without lashing out. ]
[ now it's his turn to snag jing yuan by the wrists, to pull him in close again. everything hurts, and yingxing knows better than anyone how monstrous his temper can be when he's feeling wounded, but the sight of jing yuan's tears is sobering. ]
Look, I just -
[ he exhales, breath shuddering, redoubling his grasp. ]
I'm sorry. This is all just.. I'm losing both of you, and I don't know how to -
[ how to process it. how to recover from such a blow without lashing out. ]
You weren't losing me until you decided you were.
[He lets Yingxing catch him, but refuses to look at him. It hurts too much. He's been ground down so much he doesn't know how to weather anything more. He's so damned tired...]
Do you really think I haven't tried to stand up for myself? You think I'd choose to hurt you if I had any other choice? I know it's twisted, I just can't get out.
[He lets Yingxing catch him, but refuses to look at him. It hurts too much. He's been ground down so much he doesn't know how to weather anything more. He's so damned tired...]
Do you really think I haven't tried to stand up for myself? You think I'd choose to hurt you if I had any other choice? I know it's twisted, I just can't get out.
But that's how it feels. How it felt, in the moment. It hurt.
[ yingxing sighs heavily, pressing his brow to jing yuan's and closing his eyes. ]
I'm not afraid of him, and I never will be, no matter what he does to me. No matter what he's become. C'mere. Please.
[ he releases one of jing yuan's wrists, so he can hook that arm around his waist instead, trying to gently pull him closer. ]
Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. I'll figure something out.
[ yingxing sighs heavily, pressing his brow to jing yuan's and closing his eyes. ]
I'm not afraid of him, and I never will be, no matter what he does to me. No matter what he's become. C'mere. Please.
[ he releases one of jing yuan's wrists, so he can hook that arm around his waist instead, trying to gently pull him closer. ]
Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. I'll figure something out.
[Jing Yuan leans away from that pull at first, not quite willing to trust it. He's tense, like he's expecting this moment of reassurance to evaporate at any second.]
You should be afraid of him.
[That bravery honestly just makes Jing Yuan nervous. But... He wants terribly to be comforted and to comfort Yingxing in turn, so he gives in with a soft, low whine and embraces the man. In fact he goes right to putting his face directly against Yingxing's chest.]
Please don't mention me to him. It's me who'll pay that price.
You should be afraid of him.
[That bravery honestly just makes Jing Yuan nervous. But... He wants terribly to be comforted and to comfort Yingxing in turn, so he gives in with a soft, low whine and embraces the man. In fact he goes right to putting his face directly against Yingxing's chest.]
Please don't mention me to him. It's me who'll pay that price.
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